My method, such as I have one, is to keep doing the things that seem to work. One thing I find myself saying really often, in mid-scene, is, "Good girl!" It always seems to get a good response.
But, why is that? Just seeing the words written down, they feel like a paternalistic put-down, something last said at age 7. But we're not playing with age here. The subs I've played with are not into pet play or being minimized. Several over the years have commented on it themselves: "I wonder why I like it so much when you say that?"
I asked c the other day what it feels like to be called a good girl.
"This is so weird," she said, giggling. "Just hearing you say the words made my shoulders go back, made my boobs go up, and put a really big smile on my face!"
As it happens, her husband K had raised the same topic last week, she said. "He asked me whether I had any idea how my body reacted when he said, 'Good girl,' " c told me. "He says my eyes change, and my face relaxes."
c thinks it's a built-in approval-seeking desire that we all have, that's particularly strong in submissives.
"It makes me feel happy and proud," she said.
I've asked a few other subs about it. "It's not about my father," one said. "I disowned him."
"I'd never tolerate anyone else saying that to me," another one said. "But in the middle of a scene, it just makes me feel like I'm doing everything right."
The opposite phrase produces an equally opposite reaction.
"I'm not a bad girl," c says. "K can call me a naughty girl, or anything else, it makes me hot. But if he says, 'Bad girl,' I just freeze up."
I'll try to learn from that too.
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The Good Girl
Submit
to parental regard and reform
to quotiDian demands
to the need for pleasure that devours
to the quite fact that everyplace, everyone, everymoment
you love will be taken, in time
to death
Surrender
your Good Girl
your able self
your desire
your identity
life
Kris K.
I think I can relate to this one (yes D, I'm here. I may not comment often, but how could I miss posts from one of my main influencial blogs? ;)
I'll say this once, before my brattiness reasserts itself, and I'll deny all honest, submissive thoughts under oath :P
I -love- being called a good girl. C's right, it -does- make me feel like I've done something right, something that'd pleased the person. And in doing that, I get a real kick out of it. I'm a very praise oriented person, always have been, and to hear that what I've just done has made me a 'Good girl' is a reward in itself.
Although, my brattiness kind of likes it when I'm called a 'Bad girl' too ;) Kind of a naughty, 'you're doing to get spanked for that' girl. But I think that's because Lex doesn't actually mean it for the words when he says it, he says it when he's playing.
If he really -was- disappointed in me, I think that'd be worse than any physical punishment I could endure. It's a horrible feeling, it really is, to have let someone down.
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